Satori Komeiji (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
unpleasantries) wrote2016-02-29 01:58 am
unpleasantries) wrote2016-02-29 01:58 am
letters to orin.
satori writes letters to orin that she keeps on her person at all times. this post will be locked until she dies.
dhaos now has these in his possession, since they will be unable to fulfill their original purpose.
dhaos now has these in his possession, since they will be unable to fulfill their original purpose.
week 0
I have begun writing letters which I am keeping on my person at all times. I have found myself in something of a predicament, and if I should die, I know you will find my body without fail. Somehow, I have arrived at a village on the surface, in a blistering cold place. It is full of other people. I know, you're probably very excited to read the rest of the letters and gloat about how I was able to make friends all along, but I don't think it's going to work out like that.
I cannot read anyone's mind here - I'm terrified, Orin. If this is what Koishi wanted so desperately, then I fear we have grown further apart than I could have ever imagined. I cannot verify if anyone is telling the truth, and so I am forced to assume they are lying. I have decided that, for now, it is in my best interests to play along, but I don't intend to get closer to anyone than I need to. Please do your best. The fires cannot be allowed to stop simply because of my absence.
-Satori
week 0
Today we - that is, the village and I - were informed that only seven of us will survive. I intend to be one of those seven, but in the event I am not, I am officially writing out my last wishes. First and foremost, you are to take my position as Mistress until such a time that Koishi is mentally and emotionally healthy to do so herself. Do not force her to take the position if she doesn't want it. Having the responsibilities of overseeing Old Hell does not mean you won't get to continue carrying corpses, so don't worry about that. Just continue your job, and make sure that everyone else is doing theirs, too. Keep a close eye on Okuu, of course, as always. Break the news to her gently. Find Koishi and tell her as soon as you are able. I know this is asking a lot of you, Orin, but
Koishi isKoishiI know you can do it.-Satori
week 1
I am writing this letter in an attempt to pass the time, but when I look up, it has only been mere seconds. I don't know what they've done, but it feels like I've been here for almost a decade. Time seems to slow to a crawl. It takes days for the minute hand to move on the clock. I know this is not real, but it feels very much so. I worry about the animals that have not yet matured into youkai before remembering that it has only been three hours, not three months. What a despicable ability. I should look into incorporating it into a spell card. Keep that in mind, so I can pull it out later.
-Satori
week 1
I have returned from the first of what I suspect will be many "trials." Houraisan Kaguya, a native from Gensokyo, was the murderer, and she was executed summarily. Look into what she did and who she associated with. I will not be able to obtain this knowledge for myself, obviously, should you be reading this, so if you would satisfy my curiosity vicariously, it would be sincerely appreciated. She killed a human, some worthless child. Aside from that, she didn't seem like especially bad company.
I was responsible for delivering evidence that it could have only been her. To be honest, I am conflicted over my participation - I am sure you're proud of me, and I know you're wiggling your ears, but I had intended to incriminate another person. I do not trust the goddess Hanyuu, and believed her to be the guilty party. However, I was wrong. I am not wrong, Orin. I am never wrong about people. At least, I never was until now, and I don't like it.
The silence is unbearable. My own thoughts are magnified in my head, desperately attempting to fill the void from where everyone else's should be. I fear I may go mad from the quiet. Orin, I miss you terribly. I am sure it doesn't amount to how much you will miss me, but being without you is more painful than I had ever imagined.
-Satori
week 2
I have officially asked Miata, the person responsible for kidnapping us, to drop my corpse by Old Hell should I die. I don't know if her word is any good, of course, but she has said she will do her best. If she was telling the truth, thank her for me. Though she won't be able to hear it, gratitude for good deeds is important.
-Satori
week 2
I have completed another chapter of my book. I have based a pair of characters on you and Okuu. Perhaps this was impertinent of me, and it is certainly an unoriginal thing to do as a writer. It is probably out of baseless sentimentality. I still fear that I am losing my mind, but when I am able to assess my emotional and mental states, I become calm again. When people respond to me when I say something, the same thing happens.
I am beginning to seek conversation with others, just to prove to myself that this is not a prison created by my own mind, that the blindness in my third eye has not closed away my heart. The pain of a paper cut from turning the page in my book is more thrilling than any other sensation, because it grounds me, makes me realize that I am here. But the realization that I am here, in turn, drives me back into misery. I still don't intend to die. But living feels like more of a chore than usual, lately.
-Satori
week 2
We have completed the second trial. I did not participate much in it, and it was a tsukumogami chosen as the culprit this time. He killed another human, and he in turn was put to death.
[A HUGE SECTION OF UNREADABLE TEXT THAT HAS BEEN SCRIBBLED OUT SO THOROUGHLY IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO EVEN BEGIN TO GUESS WHAT SHE WROTE]
I thought I saw Koishi, however, it turned out to be merely my own paranoid fascinations. Everyone else was affected in similar ways, preying on our paranoia. To have my mind tampered with like that is troublesome, and makes me doubt my self-awareness once again.
As an aside, I have another request for you. Invite Mizuhashi to my pyre. Make sure she is the first person invited, and stress that she is to be a guest of honor. If she refuses to attend, simply scoop up a handful of my ashes and throw them in her face the next time you see her. I will have her acknowledge my death, Orin. You mustn't fail.
-Satori
week 3
I have lost the "immunity" that was granted to me last week. This may be the last letter I write. I do not think I am as hated as usual, as I lack the ability that fosters such emotion, but I am not popular, either. No one would miss me, which makes me a viable target. In any case, I will continue to strive. I will fight. And I will make it home to you, Orin, and we will all have a wonderful nap on the bed together. I miss you all so dearly. Please tell everyone that I love them for me. Yes, even the scrawny, squeaky one who doesn't do anything.
-Satori
week 3
[An unreadable black mass. Unlike the other scribbled-out page, this has been painstakingly run over again and again with a pen until it is a perfect solid square. While there may be writing under it, it's completely illegible. It's hard to detect there were words here in the first place.]
I'm sorry.
week 3
Today I thought about snapping my eye off. It's of no use. Maybe the silence will stop.
-Satori
week 3
You deserve a better sister than I. I have not always been supportive, and had I noticed how grave your situation truly was, perhaps I would have been able to stop you from doing what you did. Perhaps it was never a possibility. But I would like to think that, had I been a better sister, had I stopped taking the echo of your thoughts for granted, you would not have given up your gifts. You would not have lost yourself.
I have done you a grievous wrong, one that I may never be able to make up for. There is no way I can apologize enough, or as often, as I owe you. I love you so much, sister, and my single hope for this wretched life is that you find your happiness again.
-Satori
week 3
It seems the way our minds were warped this time was by elevating our grief - the only reason I am sure is that everyone else seemed similarly affected. As you are aware, my grief over Koishi's situation is constant, but it became near unbearable. Rather than a pulse in the back of my head, it became as a gaping, festering wound, one that I felt I had no control over. It is over now - I believe someone else has been killed, but I will remain in my room. By reflecting on my actions, or my inaction, I am granted a modicum of peace.
For a few, brief, hours, I was wracked with guilt over Okuu, as well. Please, give her my regards. Give her the special treat I have been saving in the cabinet. And give her as much of your love as you can muster. You know this better than I do, but she is a social creature, and she will need you to support her.
I am becoming increasingly troubled by writing about my own hypothetical death. But I will continue to do it regardless.
-Satori
week 3
We executed an accomplice rather than the killer herself, tonight. However, since the woman we selected was indeed responsible for disguising the cause of death, I have no regrets about it. Better that someone who cannot be trusted to keep their hands to themselves dies than someone who hasn't done anything yet.
I think I preferred dealing with the dead better when all I had to work with were their souls, already departed. The living becoming the dead is always such an ugly thing. Last week took a heavy toll on me, Orin. I shut myself in my room to prevent myself from taking a life. All I could think of was returning to Koishi. If I could just kill someone, if only I could squeeze their life from their bodies, I could guarantee that I would return to her, and to you.
I think I will stay up a while and write. Please ensure my book is published on the surface, even if it is incomplete.
-Satori
week 4
Find out what DILF means.
-Satori
week 4
It seems I have found a substitute for Mizuhashi while I am here. Clover Field lacks her self-hatred, her disgusting temperament, and her jealous nature, but she is confrontational, and that will have to be enough. It is...fun, in a way, to speak with her. I think she's annoying, and I certainly won't miss her when she dies, but she'll do as entertainment for now. I can almost see the disappointed look on your face, but I'm sure you expected something like this to happen.
-Satori
week 4
This trial was truly exhausting. This time, a man named Vegeta was the culprit. Most of the people here had immediately assumed it was not him because of the complicated nature of the murder - surely, his method of killing would be much simpler, would it not? I have continued to insist such thinking is foolish, because it is the nature of a murderer to disguise their own actions, but they continue to ignore me. It is difficult to understand why they cling so desperately to their preconceived notions of people. Is this what it's like for those who cannot read hearts and minds? Having to rely on assumptions about others is troubling. If you are reading this letter, we may not have the opportunity to discuss it at length, but I simply cannot imagine that this was the life Koishi wanted for herself.
-Satori
week 5
My motive this week was Mizuhashi. Could you hear me laughing, all the way from home? I am still laughing as I write, to be honest. The last several weeks have been extremely difficult to deal with, but I will cause Mizuhashi more pain by not being there to make her hate herself than by doing anything else.
If you get this letter, please tell her that she is one of the most important people in my life. Burn the disgusted expression on her face into your memory in my stead.
-Satori
week 5
I believe this week I have some news that will make you smile. While I would not yet call him a friend, I have met someone I trust. It was a natural development as a result of speaking to him, and though I could not and cannot verify any of his statements or emotions, I want to believe them. I have never experienced anything like this before. Belief has always been given grudgingly, after I was able to match someone's words with their thoughts.
It's a nice feeling. I am apprehensive that something will destroy it, sooner or later.
-Satori
week 5
Cheshire, one of the two cats here, is dead. He was killed in self-defense by a human girl named Lucy Steel. I am disappointed in him, but the motive this week was a strong motivational factor for several people here. I can only surmise that it was especially difficult for him. We did not talk very much, but it was nice to have him here.
I was a suspect, though I do not believe I was ever sincerely considered for more than a few minutes. I had no one to verify my alibi, and all I had was my word. I told them I would never harm an animal, and they believed me.
It was stupid of them, even though I was telling the truth. But it helped me to cross myself off the list of suspects. I still do not think there is merit in blindly believing what people say, but I am beginning to understand how to function without my ability.
-Satori
week 6
Do not be jealous, but the cheetah has arrived. Be sure never to tell her this, but when I first saw her, I was initially disappointed that she was not you. She is something I can speak to, however, even if she cannot yet speak back. It is disheartening to look at her and know I cannot understand what she wants anymore, but I am doing my best. I believe I'm getting better at understanding how people feel without it.
[On the other side is an addendum.]
I am not getting better at understanding how people feel without it.
-Satori
week 6
You would have liked being here for this week. Various body parts were strewn about the place. A bit garish, if I am perfectly honest, but it made me smile because it reminded me of you. You would have been so good at it. There is an incentive to collect every part, but I don't really care about it. Apparently, we aren't being pressured into killing someone this week.
It's a good thing. I am getting so tired, Orin.
-Satori
week 7
The motive this week is more of a threat. We have each been given a slip of paper with our most mortifying memories on them. I was convinced that it would be the moment I realized my poor treatment of Koishi had led to her condition.
However, it was the argument that I lost to Mizuhashi. I had never really considered it, but now that I think about it, it is truly the most shameful moment of my life. Now I'm reliving it, over and over...I still can't believe she said that. I still can't believe I allowed her to say it. I knew she was going to say it three seconds before she did, and I had every opportunity to stop her. Orin, what was wrong with me? Did I get weak? Did I let her win? No, but if I had, then it wouldn't make me feel like crawling into a hole and dying...
In any case, I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about. I am fairly certain I never told anyone about that.
Burn this letter.
-Satori
week 7
Tell Mizuhashi that when she dies you will personally keep her soul in a jar. Please follow through with this when she does. Consider this my dying wish.
-Satori
week 7
I am truly tired of members of my "team" killing people. Every time this happens, I am forced to feel similar pain as they did when they died. This week, the killer was one Sadie Swenson. She wanted to be called by another name - Charlotte? I have already forgotten. In any case, she is apparently descended from a prolific serial killer.
This murder was especially graphic. One person was electrocuted in the pool, and the other was beheaded. Evidently, he stumbled upon the electrocution, and Swenson could not let him live. I must commend her for her ability to plan ahead, but it was extremely annoying to figure everything out.
I am in a constant state of regret over the loss of my mind-reading abilities, but it would have been especially interesting to read the thoughts of a serial killer's descendant. I may have missed an opportunity I will not be able to replicate.
-Satori
week 8 - marked "DISCARD"
week 8
Has Koishi gained notoriety on the surface recently? I know that ever since the hot springs emerged, and the nuclear fusion engine was put into place, my name has become increasingly common among surface dwellers, but that should not be enough for people from outside the border to be able to find her, right? Somehow, though, they did. She is my motive this week.
They've kidnapped her, Orin, and they will kill a hostage at the end of the week. Koishi could die. If I kill someone, I can save her. But there are 19 other hostages...the odds that someone else will be chosen instead are quite high. I am sure someone will break, and it will be nothing to worry about. Everyone here was similarly rattled after seeing their hostages. If I can only hold out, everything will be fine.
-Satori
week 8
I had a conversation with Dhaos, my friend, last night. I allowed myself a moment of weakness. And during that moment, I realized something important. Every mistake I made has been fundamentally the same. I waited. I did nothing when I should have taken action. And that led to Koishi harming herself, to Okuu being used by the goddess - regardless of how much she enjoys her powers, it was still a foolish thing to do on my part - and it led to the distance between us. It led to your actions to prevent me from punishing Okuu.
I think, from this day forward, I won't wait anymore. Since these letters will be delivered upon my death, if you're reading this, then I won't be able to do it myself, but I'd like to teach Koishi what it's like to be a true satori again. As mind-readers, we are constantly connected to the world around us, whether we like it or not. But there are certain ways in which we cannot connect like everyone else can. For instance, it is difficult for us to make friends because we're constantly aware of what everyone is thinking. Most friends do have unpleasant thoughts about each other from time to time, but if you can't read minds, then you can ignore it. You don't even have to be aware of it, and many people aren't.
It is a terrifying feeling, but I am glad that I was able to meet someone here whose thoughts I don't feel like I need to read. I think it may be impossible for me to trust anyone completely without my ability, but he is the only person I have ever wanted to. And I think that's what constitutes a friend, does it not?
Please tell Koishi, should she survive, that I have always loved her, that I am sorry for failing to notice her pain, and that I think I understand what she wanted. Tell her that even if she never reopens her third eye, I will continue to love her regardless, but encourage her to try again. If her reclusive, hated older sister can bare her heart, even if it's only for an instant, then maybe Koishi can get hers back.
I'm sure someone is dead by now. I'll go down to the lobby and keep you updated.
-Satori